Con4sation®

Better Conversations. Happier Lives.

We are a 'people skills' assessment and training company that specialises in difficult conversations.
Online or In-person. Always interactive. Always engaging.
Better Conversations create Better Relationships and Better Relationships ensure you live a Happier Life.

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We don't do dull.Using theatre to bring learning to life.Interactive and Engaging.

Your culture is the conversations people are having. We have a proven record of improving those conversations by helping participants to connect emotionally to the learning. Our use of actors allow conversations to come alive in the training session. We enable participants to observe and practise conversations, bringing the learning to life.Why it works?The reason we all love tv, theatre and film is because we connect emotionally to the characters involved. Our use of actors creates the same emotional response within participants that make them want to learn and change. It makes it personal.Better still, the actors will often voice the opinions participants are thinking, but may be unable or unwilling to say, ensuring the discussions you need to happen... happen.The secret ingredient.All our workshops use the con4sation® methodology. We believe 'people stuff' should be simple to understand, so we have condensed best practise and established (but sometimes complex) theory into 4 simple and accessible elements. It's why we are called CON4SATION.

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testimonials

A number of well known organisations and brands use con4sation® to help make their workplaces happier, safer and healthier.
Here's what they say:

And it doesn't stop there....

Wherever conversations take place, we help to make them better. Have an idea or need help to create change? We'll be here for you. By working in partnership we can make a real difference. Maybe even some magic...If you have time, check out how we helped one client reduce their staff turnover by 50%. It was a first for their entire industry.

Have even more time? Here's a few case studies and testimonals for you.

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introducing con4sation®

con4sation® at a glance

The con4sation® methodology takes best communication practise and breaks it down into 4 easy accessible elements.
Learning works best when things are simple.

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better conversations.
better relationships.
happier lives.

At Con4sation® we've worked out something hugely important for your life...Think about the last time you were unhappy. Did it involve another person? Any interaction between you and another is a 'relationship'. Relationships are just lots and lots of different conversations. If you have better conversations, you have better relationships and you will live a happier life.It sounds simple because it is. You have the power to have better conversations and we enable this.Do you ever lie in bed at night thinking "Why didn't I just say...?"We help with that.Better Conversations. Better Relationships. Happier Lives.

• About Con4sation®

Communication survival kit for life

Everyone has suffered a difficult conversation, awkward situation or an annoying person in their lives. Using this as a gateway, our facilitator shares best practise on how to handle these. Using interactive, experiential exercises, you will learn the biology and psychology involved in your difficult interactions. Understanding the commonalities we all share, you learn how to survive and thrive in your difficult interactions.Our 'Communication Survival Kit' workshop is run over two days and shares the con4sation® methodology needed to help you survive and thrive in your difficult conversations. Interactive and tailored to your conversations.WARNING: May contain actors to bring the learning to life, but no acting is involved for participants unless you really want to :)Delivered regularly online and also in person on the stunning island of Mallorca. Just incase you need a good excuse to visit..."The skills I've learnt have not only helped in my working life, but also in my personal and family relationships too."

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remote rescue

Have a difficult conversation that needs to happen NOW? Request a coaching call to happen almost immediately using your preferred video calling platform. You share the challenge and we work out a way forward together. We'll tailor best practise to achieve the best outcome for you.

testimonials and case studies

A number of well known organisations and brands use con4sation® to help make their workplaces happier, safer and healthier.
Here's what they say:

con4sation® at a glance

con4sation® learning hub

Helping you with common difficult converstions, awkward situations and the annoying people in your life.

work and business

• How Do I Start a Difficult Conversation?

• HOW DO I TELL SOMEONE SOMETHING THEY DON'T WANT TO HEAR?

• HOW DO I DEAL WITH A DIFFICULT COLLEAGUE OR BUSINESS PARTNER?

• HOW DO I have a difficult conversation with an employee?

• How Do I Deal With Someone Who Doesn't Take Responsibility?

family & relationships

• WHAT IF I'VE ALREADY MADE THINGS WORSE?

• HOW DO I SET BOUNDARIES WITHOUT STARTING A FIGHT?

• HOW DO I DEAL WITH A DIFFICULT PARTNER?

• HOW DO I SAY WHAT I REALLY MEAN?

• How Do I Talk to My Partner About Money?

• How Do I Deal With a Family Member Who Keeps Crossing Boundaries?

• How Do I Tell Someone I Don't Want the Relationship Anymore?

• How Do I Have Difficult Conversations With Teenagers?

understanding difficult conversations

• Why Do People Get Defensive?

• What to do if a person becomes angry?

• WHY DO I AVOID DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS?

Why Do People Get Defensive?

Understanding defensive reactions during difficult conversationsWritten by Adam MooreFounder of Con4sation® | Author of Con4sation® | Difficult Conversation SpecialistHave you ever said something completely reasonable to someone, only to watch them become defensive?You weren't attacking them.You weren't shouting.You may even have chosen your words carefully.And yet suddenly they're arguing, blaming you, changing the subject or telling you that you're the one with the problem.So why does this happen?The simple answer is that people don't always respond to what you actually say.They respond to what they think your words mean.A comment that feels like a simple observation to you can feel like criticism, rejection or a threat to somebody else.WHAT IS BEHIND DEFENSIVENESS?One way of understanding this is through the LIFE influences in Con4sation®.Liberty – Do I feel that someone is trying to control me?Importance – Do I feel valued, respected or important?Fish out of Water – Do I feel uncomfortable, exposed or out of my depth?Equality – Do I feel that I'm being treated fairly?When one of these feels threatened, our response can change very quickly.We may defend ourselves.We may attack.We may withdraw.We may blame somebody else.Or we may simply refuse to have the conversation.SO WHAT SHOULD YOU DO?The natural reaction is often to push harder."That's not what I said.""You've completely misunderstood me.""Why are you getting so defensive?"Unfortunately, these responses can make things worse.Instead, become curious.Try:"Tell me what you're hearing me say."Or:"What is it about this conversation that's uncomfortable for you?"You don't have to agree with their reaction.You don't even have to accept their interpretation.But understanding it gives you information.THE CONVERSATION UNDERNEATH THE CONVERSATIONSometimes the argument isn't really about the thing you're discussing.Underneath it may be a question about respect.Or trust.Or fairness.Or control.Or whether somebody feels valued.This is why difficult conversations require more than simply finding the "right words".You need to understand what might be happening for the other person.And you need to understand what's happening for you too.REMEMBERSomeone becoming defensive doesn't automatically mean you've done something wrong.But it is information.Pay attention to it.Ask yourself:What might this person believe they are losing, being threatened with or being judged for?That question can completely change the direction of a conversation.Sometimes the most useful thing you can do before having a difficult conversation is to understand what's really happening.Better conversations. Better relationships. Happier lives.

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How Do I Have Difficult Conversations With Teenagers?

How to talk about behaviour, boundaries and growing independence without pushing them awayWritten by Adam Moore
Founder of Con4sation® | Author of Con4sation® | Difficult Conversation SpecialistIf you have teenagers, you'll probably recognise this.You ask a perfectly reasonable question.They give you one-word answers.You ask another.They roll their eyes.Eventually you find yourself saying:"I'm only trying to help!"And they respond:"Just leave me alone!"Welcome to teenage communication.It can be challenging, frustrating and occasionally hilarious.But underneath the eye-rolling and apparent disinterest is a young person navigating some enormous changes.THEY'RE NOT LITTLE CHILDREN ANYMOREOne of the biggest challenges for parents is adjusting to the fact that their teenager is developing independence.They want more freedom.They want to make their own decisions.They want privacy.And they may not want to share everything with you.This can be difficult, particularly when you're worried about their safety.But trying to control every decision can damage the very communication you're trying to encourage.UNDERSTAND THEIR NEED FOR LIBERTYIn Con4sation®, Liberty is one of the LIFE influences.It explores our need for freedom, choice and control.For teenagers, this can be particularly important.A question that sounds perfectly reasonable to you may feel like an interrogation to them.A rule that seems sensible to you may feel like an attempt to control their entire life.That doesn't mean you shouldn't have boundaries.It means you need to understand how those boundaries are experienced.DON'T TURN EVERY CONVERSATION INTO A LECTURETeenagers are often very good at recognising when a conversation is really a lecture in disguise.If every discussion becomes an opportunity to tell them what they've done wrong, they may simply stop engaging.Try asking more questions."How do you see it?""What do you think might happen?""What would you do if you were in that situation?"Give them room to think.CHOOSE YOUR MOMENTThe timing of a difficult conversation matters.Trying to discuss something serious when your teenager is rushing out, exhausted or already upset may not be the best approach.Sometimes an ordinary moment in the car or during a walk creates a much better opportunity.You don't always need a formal announcement that a difficult conversation is about to begin.LISTEN WITHOUT IMMEDIATELY JUDGINGThis can be hard.Your teenager tells you something you don't like.Your instinct is to correct them.To explain the danger.To tell them what they should have done.But if you react immediately, they may decide not to tell you next time.Listening doesn't mean approving.It means keeping communication open.BOUNDARIES STILL MATTERBeing understanding doesn't mean becoming a passive parent.Teenagers still need clear expectations around safety, respect and responsibility.Explain the reasons behind your boundaries.Be consistent.Allow appropriate independence.And distinguish between decisions that can be negotiated and those that are not negotiable because safety is involved.MAKE IT SAFE TO TALKOne of the most important things you can communicate to a teenager is:"You can talk to me about difficult things, even when you've made a mistake."That doesn't mean there will never be consequences.It means that honesty won't automatically result in humiliation, rejection or an explosive reaction.REMEMBERYour teenager doesn't need you to be their best friend.They need you to be somebody they can trust.Somebody who listens.Somebody who sets boundaries.Somebody who can handle an uncomfortable conversation without making them regret having it.The conversations you have now can influence the relationship you have with them as adults.Better conversations. Better relationships. Happier lives.

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Why Do We Keep Having the Same Argument?

Understanding recurring conflict and how to break the cycleWritten by Adam Moore
Founder of Con4sation® | Author of Con4sation® | Difficult Conversation SpecialistHave you ever found yourself having exactly the same argument for the hundredth time?Different day.Different circumstances.But somehow you're back in the same place.One person gets frustrated.The other becomes defensive.Someone walks away.And a few days later, it happens all over again.It's exhausting.But there's often a reason why the same argument keeps returning.YOU MAY BE ARGUING ABOUT THE WRONG THINGPerhaps the argument appears to be about money.Or household responsibilities.Or being late.Or spending too much time on the phone.But underneath the subject may be something much bigger.One person feels unimportant.The other feels controlled.One feels they're doing all the work.The other feels they're never appreciated.The visible argument is about the behaviour.The underlying conversation is about what that behaviour means.RECOGNISE THE PATTERNRecurring arguments often follow a predictable pattern.One person raises an issue.The other feels criticised and becomes defensive.The first person pushes harder because they don't feel heard.The second withdraws because they feel attacked.Now both people feel misunderstood.And neither is really listening.The pattern becomes more powerful than the original issue.STOP TRYING TO WIN THE ARGUMENTIf you've had the same argument repeatedly, perhaps it's time to change the question.Instead of:"How do I make them understand that I'm right?"try:"What keeps happening between us?"This changes the focus from individual blame to the interaction between you.ASK SOMETHING DIFFERENTTry:"Why do you think we keep ending up here?""What do you think happens for you when I raise this subject?""What do you think happens for me?""What do we each need to do differently?"These questions may feel uncomfortable.But they create an opportunity to discuss the pattern rather than simply repeating it.LISTEN FOR THE MEANINGIn Con4sation®, we place considerable importance on listening.Not simply waiting for your turn to speak.Not preparing your defence while the other person is talking.Actually trying to understand what their experience is.You might discover that the argument means something very different to them than it does to you.SOMETIMES THE PATTERN NEEDS HELP TO CHANGESome relationship patterns are deeply established.You may both understand what happens and still struggle to do anything differently.A neutral professional, such as a qualified relationship counsellor, may help when recurring conflict is difficult to resolve alone.A FINAL THOUGHTIf you keep having the same argument, perhaps the problem isn't that you haven't found the right words.Perhaps you haven't yet understood the conversation underneath the argument.And that's where change can begin.Better conversations. Better relationships. Happier lives.

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How Do I Tell Someone I Don't Want the Relationship Anymore?

How to end a relationship honestly, clearly and respectfullyWritten by Adam Moore
Founder of Con4sation® | Author of Con4sation® | Difficult Conversation SpecialistThere are few conversations more difficult than telling somebody you no longer want to be in a relationship.You may care deeply about them.You may have shared years together.You may have children, friends, property or a complicated history.And yet something has changed.Perhaps you've tried to make things work.Perhaps you've been unhappy for a long time.Or perhaps you've simply realised that the relationship isn't right for you anymore.So how do you say it?DON'T CONFUSE KINDNESS WITH AVOIDANCEMany people delay ending a relationship because they don't want to hurt the other person.They become distant.They withdraw emotionally.They make excuses.They hope the other person will somehow understand.But uncertainty can be incredibly painful.If you've made a decision, being honest is often kinder than allowing somebody to live with false hope.BE CLEAR ABOUT YOUR DECISIONThere is a difference between:"I think we need some time apart."and:"I've thought about this carefully, and I've decided I don't want to continue our relationship."If you've made a decision, don't disguise it as a temporary problem.You don't need to be cruel.But you do need to be clear.DON'T TURN IT INTO A LIST OF THEIR FAILINGSYou may have many reasons for wanting to leave.Some may be important.But this conversation doesn't need to become a final prosecution of everything they've ever done wrong.You can explain your feelings without attacking their character.For example:"I've been unhappy in our relationship for some time. I've tried to understand what needs to change, but I've reached the point where I don't want to continue."ALLOW THEM TO HAVE A REACTIONThe other person may be upset.They may become angry.They may ask questions.They may try to persuade you to change your mind.You don't have to remove their pain.You can listen without pretending your decision has changed.And remember that listening doesn't mean you have to negotiate a decision you've already made.DON'T OFFER FALSE HOPEStatements such as:"Maybe one day.""I just need some space."or:"Let's see what happens."can be tempting when you want to soften the moment.But if you don't mean them, don't say them.Clarity can be painful.False hope can prolong that pain.THINK ABOUT WHAT HAPPENS NEXTEnding a relationship may involve practical decisions about living arrangements, children, finances or shared responsibilities.Those conversations may need to happen separately.If safety is a concern, prioritise a safe way to communicate and seek appropriate support. You do not owe somebody an in-person conversation if doing so would put you at risk.THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGYou are allowed to end a relationship that you no longer want to be in.You can care about somebody and still decide that the relationship should end.You can be compassionate without abandoning your own needs.And you can be honest without being deliberately hurtful.Sometimes the most difficult conversation is also the most necessary.Better conversations. Better relationships. Happier lives.

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How Do I Deal With a Family Member Who Keeps Crossing Boundaries?

How to protect your space, communicate your needs and manage difficult family relationshipsWritten by Adam Moore
Founder of Con4sation® | Author of Con4sation® | Difficult Conversation SpecialistFamily relationships can be wonderful.They can also be incredibly complicated.Perhaps a parent keeps interfering in your decisions.A sibling repeatedly makes inappropriate comments.An adult child expects you to solve every problem.Or somebody in the family simply refuses to respect your privacy.You may have tried dropping hints.You may have laughed it off.You may have had several conversations already.And yet nothing changes.WHY FAMILY BOUNDARIES ARE SO DIFFICULTFamily relationships come with history.People remember who you were twenty years ago.They may still treat you as the child, sibling or partner they think they know.And sometimes family members believe that their relationship with you gives them permission to behave in ways they wouldn't tolerate from anybody else.But being family doesn't remove the need for respect.STOP HOPING THEY'LL JUST UNDERSTANDOne of the biggest mistakes we make is expecting people to recognise our boundaries without actually explaining them.We become frustrated because they keep doing something that we've never clearly asked them to stop doing.If something matters, it needs to be communicated.For example:"I know you're trying to help, but I don't want advice about how I'm raising my children unless I ask for it."That's much clearer than hoping somebody will eventually get the message.A BOUNDARY IS ABOUT YOUR RESPONSERemember, a boundary isn't about controlling another person.It's about deciding what you will do.For example:"If the conversation turns into criticism, I'll end it and we can talk another time."You cannot force somebody to agree with your boundary.But you can decide how you respond when it is ignored.EXPECT SOME RESISTANCEWhen you change the way you behave in a relationship, the other person may not like it.They may say you're being difficult.They may accuse you of changing.They may tell you that family shouldn't behave this way.That doesn't automatically mean your boundary is unreasonable.Sometimes people resist boundaries because they're accustomed to having access to you without having to consider your needs.BE CONSISTENTIf you set a boundary and then repeatedly abandon it, the message becomes confusing.You don't need to be aggressive.You don't need to issue threats.You simply need to follow through.Calmly.Consistently.Respectfully.WHAT IF THEY NEVER CHANGE?This is the uncomfortable part.You may communicate beautifully.You may explain your feelings.You may give somebody every opportunity to understand.And they may still refuse.You cannot build a healthy relationship entirely on somebody else's willingness to change.Sometimes the healthiest option is to reduce contact or create more distance.ONE QUESTION WORTH ASKINGAre you maintaining this relationship because it's healthy, or because you feel guilty about what might happen if you change it?Family relationships matter.But so do you.Better conversations. Better relationships. Happier lives.

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How Do I Talk to My Partner About Money?

How to discuss spending, financial pressure and different priorities without damaging your relationshipWritten by Adam Moore
Founder of Con4sation® | Author of Con4sation® | Difficult Conversation SpecialistMoney.It's one of those subjects that can turn an otherwise perfectly ordinary evening into an argument.Perhaps one of you spends more than the other.Perhaps you're worried about the future.Perhaps you disagree about holidays, property, savings or what constitutes an acceptable lifestyle.Or perhaps one person feels they're carrying more of the financial responsibility.The difficulty is that money is rarely just about money.WHAT DOES MONEY REPRESENT?For one person, money might represent security.For another, freedom.For somebody else, success, independence or the ability to enjoy life.This means two people can look at exactly the same financial decision and see completely different things.One might think:"We can't afford this."The other might think:"We've worked hard. Why shouldn't we enjoy ourselves?"Neither person necessarily has bad intentions.But they're approaching the decision from different perspectives.DON'T START WITH THE SPENDINGIf you begin with:"You spend too much money."you're likely to trigger a defensive response.Instead, start with what you're experiencing."I've been feeling anxious about our finances, and I'd like us to talk about how we're managing things."That's an invitation rather than an accusation.UNDERSTAND WHAT MATTERS TO EACH OTHERAsk:"What makes you feel financially secure?""What are you most worried about?""What do you think we should be prioritising?"You may discover that your partner's behaviour is connected to something you hadn't considered.Perhaps they grew up in a household where money was always scarce.Perhaps they associate spending with enjoyment and freedom.Perhaps they feel controlled when every purchase is questioned.Understanding doesn't mean agreeing.It means getting beyond the surface argument.TALK ABOUT THE NUMBERSEmotional understanding is important, but eventually you need to look at the practical realities.What comes in?What goes out?What are your commitments?What are your priorities?What decisions need to be made?Try to separate the financial facts from the emotional meaning attached to them.Both deserve attention.DON'T TURN MONEY INTO A MEASURE OF LOVEFinancial disagreements can become personal very quickly.One person feels unappreciated.The other feels controlled.One believes they're being responsible.The other feels they're being denied something important.Be careful not to turn financial decisions into a test of how much somebody cares.CREATE A SHARED CONVERSATIONRather than trying to win the argument, ask:"What would a fair arrangement look like for both of us?"You may not agree immediately.But you can begin to understand what each person needs and work towards a decision.And if the financial situation is complicated, independent financial advice may be useful alongside the relationship conversation.REMEMBERMoney arguments are often conversations about security, freedom, fairness and trust.If you only discuss the numbers, you may miss the real issue.Sometimes the most important question isn't:"Why did you spend that?"It's:"What does money mean to each of us?"Better conversations. Better relationships. Happier lives.

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How Do I Deal With Someone Who Doesn't Take Responsibility?

How to address blame, excuses and accountability without getting stuck in an argumentWritten by Adam Moore
Founder of Con4sation® | Author of Con4sation® | Difficult Conversation SpecialistYou know the situation.Something goes wrong.You raise the issue.And suddenly it's everybody else's fault.They blame a colleague.They blame the circumstances.They explain why it wasn't their responsibility.Or they tell you that you're making too much of it.It can be incredibly frustrating, particularly when you're repeatedly dealing with the consequences of someone else's behaviour.So how do you address it?STOP GETTING DRAWN INTO THE BLAME GAMEWhen someone refuses to take responsibility, it's tempting to prove that they're wrong.You bring out the evidence.You remind them what happened.You explain what they should have done.But the conversation can quickly become an argument about who is to blame.Try changing the focus.Instead of asking:"Whose fault was this?"ask:"What happened, and what needs to happen now?"That moves the conversation towards something useful.DISTINGUISH BETWEEN EXPLANATION AND EXCUSEThere may be genuine reasons why something went wrong.Perhaps expectations weren't clear.Perhaps someone else failed to deliver.Perhaps they didn't have the resources or information they needed.Understanding those circumstances is important.But an explanation doesn't automatically remove responsibility.You can acknowledge the circumstances while still discussing what the individual could have done differently.ASK BETTER QUESTIONSTry:"What do you think your part in this was?""What could you have done differently?""What would you do if the same situation happened again?"These questions invite reflection rather than simply demanding an apology.And sometimes they reveal that the person genuinely sees the situation differently.UNDERSTAND WHAT MIGHT BE THREATENEDIn Con4sation®, the LIFE influences help us understand why people react as they do.Liberty. Importance. Fish out of Water. Equality.When someone feels accused, exposed or unfairly treated, admitting responsibility can feel threatening.They may become defensive because they believe their competence, reputation or position is under attack.That doesn't mean you should excuse the behaviour.It means you should understand what might be happening before deciding how to respond.BE CLEAR ABOUT THE FUTUREEventually, the conversation needs to move beyond what happened.What needs to change?What will they do differently?What support do they need?How will progress be recognised?Accountability should be about taking ownership of what happens next, not simply feeling bad about what happened previously.YOU CANNOT TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR SOMEONE ELSEThis is perhaps the most important point.You can explain.You can support.You can challenge.You can set expectations.But you cannot make another adult take responsibility.That decision belongs to them.Your responsibility is to be clear about your expectations and decide what you will do if the behaviour continues.A FINAL QUESTIONAre you trying to make someone admit they're wrong, or are you trying to help them recognise what they can do differently?Those are two very different conversations.Better conversations. Better relationships. Happier lives.

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How Do I Have a Difficult Conversation With an Employee?

How to address performance, behaviour and workplace problems without making things worseWritten by Adam Moore
Founder of Con4sation® | Author of Con4sation® | Difficult Conversation SpecialistIf you're responsible for managing people, difficult conversations are part of the job.An employee isn't performing.Someone's attitude is affecting the team.A member of staff keeps arriving late.Someone has crossed a line with a colleague.You know something needs to be said.But how do you say it without creating resentment, damaging the relationship or making the situation worse?DON'T WAIT UNTIL YOU'RE FRUSTRATEDOne of the biggest mistakes managers make is waiting too long.Small issues become bigger ones.Frustration builds.Other colleagues start noticing.Eventually, the manager has a conversation that is much more emotionally charged than it needed to be.Address issues early, while there is still an opportunity to understand and resolve them.SEPARATE THE PERSON FROM THE BEHAVIOURThere's a big difference between:"You're unreliable."and:"You've arrived late on four occasions this month, which has affected the team's ability to start on time."The first is a judgement about the person.The second describes something that can be discussed.Be specific about what happened, when it happened and why it matters.DON'T ASSUME YOU KNOW THE REASONPerhaps the employee is disengaged.Perhaps they're struggling with something outside work.Perhaps they don't understand what's expected of them.Or perhaps they simply don't realise the impact of their behaviour.You won't know until you ask.Try:"I'd like to understand what's happening from your perspective. How do you see the situation?"Then listen.THE CON4SATION OPENERA useful way to start is:WHAT – What do we need to discuss?WHY – Why does it matter?WONDER – What question will help the employee explain their perspective?For example:"I'd like to talk about the missed deadlines because they're affecting the team's ability to deliver. I'm wondering how you feel things are going at the moment?"Then stop talking.Give them room to respond.BE CLEAR ABOUT EXPECTATIONSListening doesn't mean avoiding accountability.Once you've understood their perspective, be clear about what needs to change.What does good performance look like?What behaviour is expected?What support is available?What happens next?Don't leave the employee guessing.REMEMBER THE HUMAN BEINGManagers sometimes become so focused on performance that they forget the person.A difficult conversation can be firm and compassionate at the same time.You can hold someone accountable without humiliating them.You can be supportive without avoiding the issue.And you can protect the wider team while treating an individual fairly.ONE QUESTION FOR MANAGERSBefore your next difficult employee conversation, ask yourself:"Am I going into this conversation to understand what's happening and achieve a better outcome, or simply to express my frustration?"The answer matters.Because good management isn't about avoiding difficult conversations.It's about having them well.Better conversations. Better relationships. Happier lives.

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How Do I Start a Difficult Conversation?

What to say when you don't know how to beginWritten by Adam MooreFounder of Con4sation® | Author of Con4sation® | Difficult Conversation SpecialistThe hardest part of a difficult conversation is often the first twenty seconds.You've been thinking about it.You've rehearsed it in your head.You've imagined how they might react.And now you're standing in front of them wondering:"How on earth do I start this?"The answer is simpler than you might think.Don't start with the person.Start with the subject.THE CON4SATION OPENERA useful way to begin is:WHATWhat do you need to talk about?WHYWhy do you need to talk about it?WONDERWhat open question could you ask that gets the other person talking?For example:"I'd like to talk about what happened in yesterday's meeting because I'm concerned about how it affected the team. I'm wondering how you felt the meeting went?"And then comes the difficult bit.Stop talking.Let them answer.DON'T START WITH "YOU"Compare:"You were rude to me yesterday."with:"I'd like to talk about what happened yesterday because I left the conversation feeling uncomfortable."The second version doesn't automatically make the other person wrong.It creates space for a conversation.A DIFFICULT CONVERSATION ISN'T A SPEECHOne of the biggest mistakes people make is preparing what they are going to say without preparing to listen.They write their argument in their head.They collect evidence.They prepare their response to the response they imagine they're going to get.Then the conversation becomes a performance.That's not a conversation.A conversation requires two people.BEFORE YOU STARTAsk yourself:What exactly do I need to talk about?Why does it matter?What do I genuinely want to understand from them?That final question is important.Because sometimes the objective isn't to make them agree with you.It is to understand what's actually going on.AND IF YOU'RE NERVOUS?That's normal.Difficult conversations are supposed to feel difficult.You don't need to eliminate the nerves.You need to prepare well enough to have the conversation despite them.Try writing down your:What.Why.Wonder.Then start.And listen.Better conversations. Better relationships. Happier lives.

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HOW DO I TELL SOMEONE SOMETHING THEY DON'T WANT TO HEAR?

How to be honest without being unnecessarily harshWritten by Adam Moore
Founder of Con4sation® | Author of Con4sation® | Difficult Conversation SpecialistSometimes the kindest thing you can do is tell someone the truth.The problem is that truth can be uncomfortable.You may be worried about upsetting them.You may be frightened of their reaction.You may be worried that the relationship will change.So you soften the message.You delay it.You hint at it.Or you don't say it at all.Unfortunately, avoiding the difficult message doesn't make the problem disappear.It usually gives it more time to grow.CLARITY DOESN'T MEAN CRUELTYBeing honest doesn't mean being brutal.There is a huge difference between saying what you mean and deliberately hurting somebody.Focus on behaviour, rather than labelling the person.Instead of:"You're selfish."Try:"When decisions are made without discussing them with me, I feel as though my opinion isn't being considered."The first attacks their identity.The second describes an experience.DON'T ASSUME INTENTIONThis is another important distinction.You may know what someone did.You don't necessarily know why they did it.Instead of:"You deliberately ignored me."Try:"I noticed that you didn't respond to my messages. Can you help me understand what was happening?"You are still addressing the problem.But you're leaving room for information you don't yet have.LISTEN TO THE ANSWERIf you've decided what the other person thinks before the conversation starts, you aren't really having a conversation.You're delivering a verdict.Give them an opportunity to explain.They may still disagree.They may become upset.They may not like what you're saying.That's okay.A successful difficult conversation doesn't necessarily end with everybody feeling happy.Sometimes success simply means you've finally said what needed to be said honestly and respectfully.ASK YOURSELF ONE QUESTIONBefore you speak, ask:"Am I saying this because it needs to be said, or because I want them to feel bad?"If it's the first, you're probably on the right track.If it's the second, stop and reconsider.Being direct and being kind are not opposites.You can do both.Better conversations. Better relationships. Happier lives.

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WHAT to do if a person BECOMEs ANGRY?

What to do when someone gets angry during a difficult conversationWritten by Adam MooreFounder of Con4sation® | Author of Con4sation® | Difficult Conversation SpecialistYou've finally started the conversation.You've tried to be calm.You've chosen your words carefully.And suddenly they're angry.Their voice changes.They become defensive.Perhaps they're shouting.Your first instinct may be to defend yourself.Or shout back.Or end the conversation immediately.Sometimes that is necessary.But anger doesn't automatically mean the conversation has failed.WATCH YOUR OWN REACTIONThis is one of the most important things to remember.Their emotional response can trigger yours.Their anger can make you angry.Their defensiveness can make you defensive.And suddenly you're no longer discussing the original problem.You're fighting about how you're fighting.Take a breath.Slow down.You don't have to match their emotional intensity.DON'T FIGHT FIRE WITH FIREStatements such as:"Calm down.""You're being ridiculous.""There's no need to get angry."rarely calm somebody down.They usually communicate:"Your emotional response is the problem."Instead, try curiosity."I can see this is really important to you. Can you help me understand what's upsetting you?"That doesn't mean you're accepting blame.You're gathering information.WHAT'S UNDER THE ANGER?Anger is often the visible emotion.There may be something underneath it.Fear.Embarrassment.Frustration.Feeling ignored.Feeling disrespected.Feeling powerless.You don't need to diagnose the person.Simply remain curious about what might be happening.DON'T RUSH TO FIX ITSometimes people need a moment.You don't have to fill every silence.You can say:"I think we're both getting frustrated. I'd rather pause and come back to this than make things worse."If you do pause, make the pause specific."Let's take half an hour and talk again at 3pm."Otherwise "let's talk later" can easily become avoidance.REMEMBER YOUR INNER VOICEDuring difficult conversations, there is another conversation happening inside your head."They're being unreasonable.""This is going badly.""I need to win this."Pay attention to it.Your inner voice influences your behaviour.THE GOAL ISN'T TO WINThe goal of a difficult conversation isn't to defeat the other person.It's to understand what's happening and decide what needs to happen next.Sometimes that means reaching agreement.Sometimes it means setting a boundary.Sometimes it means accepting that you disagree.And sometimes it means ending the relationship.But you are far more likely to make a good decision when you can stay present during the conversation.Better conversations. Better relationships. Happier lives.

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HOW DO I SET BOUNDARIES WITHOUT STARTING A FIGHT?

How to set healthy boundaries without trying to control another personWritten by Adam Moore
Founder of Con4sation® | Author of Con4sation® | Difficult Conversation SpecialistBoundaries have become a popular subject.But there's a problem.A boundary isn't the same thing as telling somebody else what they are allowed to do.A boundary is about what you will do.For example:"You can't speak to me like that."is a demand.Compare it with:"If the conversation becomes abusive, I'll end it and we can talk when we're both calmer."That's a boundary.You're not controlling their behaviour.You're deciding what you will do in response to it.WHY ARE BOUNDARIES SO DIFFICULT?Setting a boundary can feel confrontational.You may worry about upsetting somebody.You may fear rejection.You may have learned that keeping the peace is more important than expressing what you need.Or perhaps you've tried to set boundaries before and the other person reacted badly.But a boundary isn't a punishment.It's information.It tells another person what you are comfortable with and what you aren't.BE SPECIFICVague boundaries are difficult to understand.Instead of:"I need you to respect me."try to identify the behaviour."If you raise your voice at me, I'm going to stop the conversation and we can continue when we're both calmer."Now the boundary is clear.OWN YOUR PARTA useful boundary doesn't require the other person to agree with you.You can say:"I understand that you don't agree. This is still what I'm going to do."That's very different from:"You have to agree with me."FAIRNESS, RESPECT AND TRUSTGood boundaries are connected to three important foundations of healthy conversations:Fairness.Respect.Trust.Ask yourself whether your boundary is genuinely protecting one of those things, or whether you're simply trying to control the other person.FOLLOW THROUGHA boundary without action isn't really a boundary.If you've said you'll leave the conversation when it becomes abusive, you need to be prepared to leave the conversation.Not dramatically.Not as a punishment.Simply because you've already explained what you will do.TRY THIS EXERCISEComplete these three sentences:"I am comfortable with...""I am not comfortable with...""If that happens, I will..."This turns a vague feeling into something you can actually communicate.A boundary isn't a wall.It's information about where you stand.And sometimes knowing where you stand makes difficult conversations much easier.Better conversations. Better relationships. Happier lives.

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HOW DO I SET BOUNDARIES WITHOUT STARTING A FIGHT?

How to set healthy boundaries without trying to control another personWritten by Adam Moore
Founder of Con4sation® | Author of Con4sation® | Difficult Conversation SpecialistBoundaries have become a popular subject.But there's a problem.A boundary isn't the same thing as telling somebody else what they are allowed to do.A boundary is about what you will do.For example:"You can't speak to me like that."is a demand.Compare it with:"If the conversation becomes abusive, I'll end it and we can talk when we're both calmer."That's a boundary.You're not controlling their behaviour.You're deciding what you will do in response to it.WHY ARE BOUNDARIES SO DIFFICULT?Setting a boundary can feel confrontational.You may worry about upsetting somebody.You may fear rejection.You may have learned that keeping the peace is more important than expressing what you need.Or perhaps you've tried to set boundaries before and the other person reacted badly.But a boundary isn't a punishment.It's information.It tells another person what you are comfortable with and what you aren't.BE SPECIFICVague boundaries are difficult to understand.Instead of:"I need you to respect me."try to identify the behaviour."If you raise your voice at me, I'm going to stop the conversation and we can continue when we're both calmer."Now the boundary is clear.OWN YOUR PARTA useful boundary doesn't require the other person to agree with you.You can say:"I understand that you don't agree. This is still what I'm going to do."That's very different from:"You have to agree with me."FAIRNESS, RESPECT AND TRUSTGood boundaries are connected to three important foundations of healthy conversations:Fairness.Respect.Trust.Ask yourself whether your boundary is genuinely protecting one of those things, or whether you're simply trying to control the other person.FOLLOW THROUGHA boundary without action isn't really a boundary.If you've said you'll leave the conversation when it becomes abusive, you need to be prepared to leave the conversation.Not dramatically.Not as a punishment.Simply because you've already explained what you will do.TRY THIS EXERCISEComplete these three sentences:"I am comfortable with...""I am not comfortable with...""If that happens, I will..."This turns a vague feeling into something you can actually communicate.A boundary isn't a wall.It's information about where you stand.And sometimes knowing where you stand makes difficult conversations much easier.Better conversations. Better relationships. Happier lives.

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WHY DO I AVOID DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS?

Why avoiding conflict can feel easier — and what it can cost youWritten by Adam Moore
Founder of Con4sation® | Author of Con4sation® | Difficult Conversation SpecialistYou know you need to have the conversation.You've thought about it.You've rehearsed what you might say.And yet you still don't do it.You tell yourself:"I'll do it tomorrow.""It's not the right time.""Maybe it'll sort itself out."Sometimes it does.Often it doesn't.AVOIDANCE FEELS GOOD — AT FIRSTAvoiding a difficult conversation gives you immediate relief.You don't have to deal with the discomfort.You don't have to see their reaction.You don't have to risk rejection, anger or disagreement.Your brain gets a little break.The problem is that the original issue is still there.And now you've added another problem:You know you're avoiding it.THE CONVERSATION INSIDE YOUR HEADBefore we have a difficult conversation with another person, we often have hundreds of conversations with ourselves."They'll get angry.""They'll think I'm selfish.""What if they leave?""What if I make everything worse?"Some of these thoughts may be accurate.But some are simply predictions.And predictions aren't facts.WHAT ARE YOU PROTECTING?If you're avoiding a difficult conversation, ask yourself:"What am I trying to protect?"Perhaps it's the relationship.Perhaps your reputation.Perhaps your comfort.Perhaps your sense of being liked.Then ask:"What is avoiding this conversation costing me?"That second question is often more revealing.Because avoidance has a cost too.Resentment.Stress.Poor relationships.Lost opportunities.Sleepless nights.Sometimes the cost is much greater than the discomfort of having the conversation.START SMALLYou don't need to become somebody who suddenly loves confrontation.Start with smaller conversations.Say the thing you've been putting off.Ask the question you've been avoiding.Tell somebody what you actually need.You are building a skill.Not trying to become fearless.AND SOMETIMES YOU NEED HELPThere are conversations where preparation makes a huge difference.Talking through what you want to say with somebody impartial can help you separate:What you know.What you assume.What you feel.And what you actually need to communicate.You don't necessarily need someone to tell you what to do.Sometimes you simply need somewhere safe to rehearse the conversation before you have it.Because the question isn't always:"Why am I avoiding this?"Sometimes it's:"What might change if I finally had it?"Better conversations. Better relationships. Happier lives.

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HOW DO I DEAL WITH A DIFFICULT PARTNER?

How to stop arguing about who's right and start understanding the relationshipWritten by Adam Moore
Founder of Con4sation® | Author of Con4sation® | Difficult Conversation SpecialistWhen a relationship becomes difficult, it's very easy to build a case against the other person.You remember what they said.You remember what they did.You collect evidence.And eventually you're trying to prove that you're right.But being right doesn't necessarily make a relationship better.LOOK FOR THE PATTERNInstead of asking:"Who's wrong?"try asking:"What keeps happening between us?"Perhaps one person criticises.The other becomes defensive.The first person pushes harder.The second withdraws.The first becomes even more frustrated.And around you go.The problem isn't just either individual.It's the pattern between you.START WITH YOUR EXPERIENCEInstead of:"You never listen to me."try:"I often feel that I'm not being heard when we talk about money."It may not magically solve the problem.But it gives the other person something they can respond to.DON'T ASSUME WHAT THEY THINKYou may believe you know why your partner behaves the way they do.You might be right.You might be completely wrong.Ask."What happens for you when we have these conversations?"Then listen to the answer.Listening doesn't mean agreeing.It means allowing yourself to discover information you didn't have before.REMEMBER THE RELATIONSHIPDuring conflict, it's easy to forget that the person you're arguing with is also the person you're in a relationship with.Winning an argument can sometimes mean losing something much more valuable.That doesn't mean accepting poor behaviour.Healthy relationships still require boundaries.Sometimes the right decision isn't to repair the relationship.Sometimes a relationship is unhealthy and needs to end.But if you want to understand whether something can be repaired, you need to have conversations that go beyond:"You did this."and:"No, you did that."TRY THESE QUESTIONS"What do you think keeps happening between us?""What do you think I don't understand about your experience?""What do you need from me?""What do you think you need to change?""What do you think I need to change?"The answers may be uncomfortable.But uncomfortable information is often more useful than comfortable assumptions.A better relationship doesn't begin with winning.It begins with understanding what's really happening.Better conversations. Better relationships. Happier lives.

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HOW DO I DEAL WITH A DIFFICULT COLLEAGUE OR BUSINESS PARTNER?

Practical advice for handling conflict at workWritten by Adam Moore
Founder of Con4sation® | Author of Con4sation® | Difficult Conversation SpecialistDifficult relationships at work can be exhausting.You see the person regularly.You may depend on them.Other people may be involved.And if you're a business partner, the consequences can be even bigger.The temptation is often to avoid the problem.But unresolved conflict rarely stays in one place.It affects meetings.Decisions.Communication.Productivity.And eventually the wider team.SEPARATE THE PERSON FROM THE PROBLEMSomeone can be difficult without being a bad person.And you can disagree with somebody without making them the problem.Try to identify the actual issue.What happened?What impact did it have?What needs to change?These questions are far more useful than:"Why are they such a nightmare?"GET SPECIFICAvoid vague statements such as:"You never communicate properly."Instead:"When decisions are made without discussing them with me, I don't have the information I need to do my part of the job."Specificity gives the other person something to respond to.LISTEN BEFORE SOLVINGYou may already have your solution.But you may not have the whole story.Ask:"How do you see what's happening?"Then listen.You might discover that they have a completely different understanding of the situation.DON'T MAKE IT PERSONALWorkplace conflict becomes much harder when it turns into a judgement about someone's character."You're lazy.""You're selfish.""You're impossible."These statements create defence.Talk about behaviour and impact instead.DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS ARE PROFESSIONALSome people believe that having a difficult conversation is unprofessional.Often the opposite is true.Ignoring a problem because you're uncomfortable isn't necessarily professional.Addressing an issue respectfully can be one of the most responsible things you can do.BUSINESS PARTNERS ARE DIFFERENTIf you're dealing with a business partner, the stakes can be even higher.You're not simply discussing an irritating habit.You may be discussing money, responsibility, decision-making, trust or the future of the business.Don't let politeness become avoidance.A difficult conversation now may prevent a much bigger problem later.ASK YOURSELF THIS"What is the cost of not having this conversation?"If the answer is:"Quite a lot,"then perhaps the discomfort of having the conversation is worth it.Better conversations. Better relationships. Happier lives.

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WHAT IF I'VE ALREADY MADE THINGS WORSE?

What to do when a difficult conversation goes badlyWritten by Adam Moore
Founder of Con4sation® | Author of Con4sation® | Difficult Conversation SpecialistSometimes you have the difficult conversation.And it goes badly.Really badly.You say something you regret.They react.You react to their reaction.And afterwards you lie awake thinking:"Why did I say that?"The temptation is to pretend it didn't happen.Don't.STOP REWRITING THE PASTYou cannot change what you said.But you can decide what you do next.One of the most powerful things you can say is surprisingly simple:"I've been thinking about our conversation, and I don't think I handled it very well."That's it.No excuses.No lengthy explanation.No:"I'm sorry, but you..."Just an acknowledgement.TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR PARTYou don't have to accept responsibility for everything that happened.You only need to take responsibility for your part.Perhaps you shouted.Perhaps you interrupted.Perhaps you made an assumption.Perhaps you said something designed to hurt them.Name it."I interrupted you and didn't give you the chance to explain yourself."That's much more meaningful than:"Sorry if you were offended."DON'T ADD "BUT""I'm sorry I shouted, but you were being impossible."The word "but" can destroy the apology that came before it.If you want to explain your perspective, have that conversation separately.First take responsibility.DON'T EXPECT INSTANT FORGIVENESSYou can apologise.You cannot control how quickly somebody forgives you.They may need time.They may still be angry.They may not accept your apology.Respect that.YOU MAY NEED ANOTHER CONVERSATIONSometimes the first conversation creates another conversation.That's okay.You can say:"I don't think we finished that conversation properly. I'd like to try again."Then approach it differently.Listen.Ask questions.Slow down.ASK WHAT HAPPENS NEXTOne of the most useful questions after a difficult conversation is:"What do you think we need to do now?"It moves the conversation away from blame and towards responsibility.You cannot always repair a relationship.But you can usually learn something from what happened.And sometimes the conversation that goes wrong is the beginning of the conversation that finally goes right.Better conversations. Better relationships. Happier lives.

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HOW DO I SAY WHAT I REALLY MEAN?

How to speak honestly when you're frightened of the consequencesWritten by Adam Moore
Founder of Con4sation® | Author of Con4sation® | Difficult Conversation SpecialistSometimes you know exactly what you want to say.You just can't bring yourself to say it.Perhaps you're worried they'll be angry.Perhaps you're frightened they'll leave.Perhaps you don't want to look selfish.Perhaps you're simply scared of what happens next.So you keep it inside.And the conversation continues in your head.START WITH YOURSELFBefore you worry about what you're going to say to another person, understand what you're saying to yourself.What are you actually feeling?What do you want?What are you worried about?What are you afraid will happen?Your internal conversation matters.Because if you don't understand what you really think, it becomes almost impossible to communicate it clearly.THINK ABOUT YOUR IMPACTBeing honest doesn't give you permission to ignore the other person's feelings.Ask yourself:"How might this land?"That doesn't mean changing the truth.It means thinking about how you deliver it.There is a difference between:"I don't want to do this anymore."and:"I don't want to do this anymore, and I know that's difficult to hear. I'd like to explain why."Same message.Very different invitation to a conversation.DON'T MAKE THEM GUESSIf something matters to you, don't rely on hints.Don't expect another person to work out what you're thinking.Say it.Clearly.Respectfully.You don't have to say everything at once.But eventually, the important thing needs to be spoken.REHEARSE ITThis is where rehearsal can be incredibly useful.Say the words out loud.Try different versions.Imagine their response.Practise listening to something you don't want to hear.Notice what happens to you emotionally.Then try again.You aren't trying to create a perfect script.You're preparing yourself to stay present when the conversation becomes real.SAY THE THINGAt some point, preparation has to end.You have to have the conversation.You may not get the response you want.They may disagree.They may be angry.They may surprise you.But at least you will no longer be carrying on the entire relationship with a conversation that only exists inside your head.Sometimes the conversation you're avoiding is the conversation that changes things.Better conversations. Better relationships. Happier lives.

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con4sation® in mallorca

Mallorca Mallorca Mallorca

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